I know some of you have seen this before, but here it is again - my first page of my completed, 67,000 word YA contemporary romance, A New Day (aka AND, because I love acronyms). I've been hard at work on Coyote Hotel (aka CH, of course), but it isn't done and isn't eligible for Shelley Watters awesome contest. Any comments you leave will be used to improve my entry, which will be posted over at Shelley's blog on Tuesday and be eligible for an agent critique. Thanks in advance and if you're here by hopping through the linky, I'll get to yours soon as well!
I slammed the car door and rushed past the men putting pieces of my life into a big white truck. I stopped right between my mom and the two movers she was leading toward our house.
"What are you doing? It isn't time yet! Get my stuff out of there!" My hair hit my shoulders as I pointed and turned my head to see what everyone was doing all at the same time. I resisted the urge to climb into the truck and push my things back out. Barely.
"Not now, Kenz." We watched our couch emerge through the front door. "You have two nights left to mope around. They're only here for the big furniture."
"I'm not going, Mom. I hate it there and I’m not going." I crossed my arms and blinked back tears. Embarrassing, yes, but nothing else had worked and I was desperate.
"We've discussed it a hundred times. This life isn't for us anymore and we're going back home." She turned toward me and put one finger in the air when my mouth opened for another protest. "Spend tonight with your friends. Tomorrow will be busy and we leave first thing Sunday morning. Both of us."
My original plan was to give one last rational argument for staying in Missouri until I went to college. Seeing the moving van in my driveway a day earlier than expected pushed all those rational thoughts to the side. I left without saying another word.
What do you think??
I love this, her anger and tension oozes from the page. Great work conveying that. The only hangup I had was a tiny one. Her hair hit her shoulders as she pointed and turned her head, didn't feel natural. It felt a bit forced and out of place. Aside from that tiny thing though, loved it!
ReplyDeleteGreat job! As for recommendations, I agree with Heather--that was the only spot that made me pause. :-)
ReplyDeleteThis is a good start. I'd read on to find out why her mom thinks Missouri is bad, but she wants to stay. You've done a great job showing her anger and frustration.
ReplyDeleteOnly two spots that snagged me. The hair comment (I agree it seemed a little contrived) and this line:
ReplyDeleteWe watched our couch emerge through the front door... --It almost felt like a head hop since the "We" puts it in the POV of the mom too.
You've got great tension here and I'd love to see it just a little more personal by adding in a line about how she might be afraid these moving men have already gone through her drawer of underwear or found her secret stash of ___.
Heather is spot on. Great tension and emotion. But agree about the hair hitting thing. Otherwise it's a really strong beginning Erica.
ReplyDeleteThis is a nice strong opening. We get her frustration and emotion. Great voice! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI definitely understand what she is going through. You have a great voice started here and I look forward to reading more. Might I suggest Coy Ho as an abbreviation for Coyote Hotel, LOL. Great beginning :)
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed Kenz's character. I felt her frustration was justified. She didn't seem to be bratty, which i liked. Great start and good luck.
ReplyDeleteI had already selected the hair line before I read the comments. It doesn't seem to fit, good rule of thumb if it doesn't advance the story does it need to be in there?
ReplyDelete"My hair hit my shoulders as I pointed and turned my head to see what everyone was doing all at the same time." This sentence feels awkward to me. Maybe... I turned and pointed, the ends of my hair brushing my shoulders.
ReplyDeleteDefinitley sets up conflict right away. Great job!
I loved this. You start in the middle of something, I want to see what they are leaving and why, lots of emotional tension. Many can identify with this Kenz chick (PS - love the name! I named my daughter McKenzie and we call her Kenz!)
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I would think about cutting or revising is the last paragraph. You already show a lot of what she says in those last sentences. I don't think you need it.
Great job! And good luck!
the pacing was off to me in places--like watching a couch in between bits of dialogue? (seems like that's a big pause.) and sometimes i feel like sentences/thoughts jumped around a lot. i would've liked a little bit of information about what's going on--the mc obviously knows what's going on, so why can't i know as a reader who should be in her head??? (assuming kenz is a girl, but i could be wrong)
ReplyDeletebut i did like it. i could sympathize w/ kenz because i know i'd be a little angry/upset if my stuff was being moved and i wasn't ready yet. i definitely feel bad for her, and that's good.
I enjoyed this first page. I don't have much to add, really. I agree with the others about the hair sentence. I picked it out before I read the comments. I like the emotion and would read on to see where this was going.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
as a guy that moved 3-4 times while going through school i can relate to the panic..but as a guy that went bald at a very early age the long hair line made me jealous :)
ReplyDeletereading the couch line i didn't feel it was too long of a pause. it was a great reference point to show the futility of her outburst. no matter what she says or does or feels this stuff is leaving on a truck today.
as far as being a head-hop...i also disagree. i think we can give the MC enough credit to observe her mom also looking at the couch as it exits the house. i think her mom pausing to look also lets us know that her mom is conflicted and nervous as well. or she's really excited to get her daughter out of there asap :)
douglas esper
Thanks for the comments, everyone. I'm not going to change anything yet, just because I want to keep getting comments, but I definitely plan on using your suggestions, thanks!
ReplyDeleteby the way - christy is having trouble signing into blogger, so for anyone who's here and can't comment - we know there's a problem and we're trying to find a way to solve it!
erica
The MC's over-the-top reaction makes me think she's about twelve-year-old. I'm having a hard time imagining an older teen reacting this way unless she's also spoiled and rich, which is something I didn't pick up on. The writing is find but the reaction seemed unbelievable, IMHO.
ReplyDeleteYou've done a nice job of capturing that typical whiny teen emo thing. Just a few comments:
ReplyDelete1. Read over your text to see if you can get rid of any "to be" verbs. I noticed at least once place you can choose a stranger verb as a replacement or reword to avoid its use.
2. This line is awkward: "My hair hit my shoulders" - it makes me think she has hair made of lead, or that you're pointing it out because you want us to know how long her hair is.
3. You're missing some punctuation -- recheck coordinating conjunctions that connect two complete sentences.
Best of luck!
I definitely enjoyed reading this!
ReplyDeleteLike many of the other comments, pretty much my only crit was the one about her hair hitting her shoulders. Other than that, great scene building and tension from your MC.
Leads me to want to know why they're leaving - and more so, to go "back" home.
Good job - best of luck with the contest!
I liked the way it starts out with action, tension, and emotion. I only felt two bumps. The "My hair hit..." line. It was a bit confusing and hard to picture. Sometimes simpler is better. And the "We watched our couch..." doesn't really work as a beat for the dialog--I didn't know who was speaking.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Strong tension and poor girl was upset.. who wouldn't be if they left everything behind.. and this is the part I would have loved to see a bit more on - what does she loose by moving. We know she does not want to go, but why? Also the part with the hair to her shoulders could be left out, as it seems forced, but that's been mentioned.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
Thanks for sharing about the contest!
ReplyDeleteI love this opening. It seems to start right where it should, at the pivotal event that launches us into the story. I was immersed in the story right away, both with the voice and the action. Dialogue was good. Tension and emotion good. Great job!
The writing seemed tight and the characters clear. My only suggestion is to consider adding something unexpected or unusual. A teenager not wanting to move isn't quite enough to keep me reading, give me somethign spicy. :) Otherwise, GW (great work).
ReplyDeleteI would very much like to read on and find out why the MC is so loathe to leave - apart from the obvious reasons such as missing friends and changing schools.
ReplyDeletePrevious commenters have already mentioned the thing I would take a closer look at - the hair comment. But I'm also wondering why (if she's old enough to drive and has her own car) can't she stay where she is? Maybe that's a cultural thing. I would have thought someone old enough to work and buy their own car could surely live by themselves. Yes, I took all that from the opening sentence.
Really enjoyed what you wrote - very tight and convencing!
ReplyDeleteI'm back checking Blogger as blogs I know I clicked to follow (like your lovely blog) aren't showing up on my blog roll. I didn't see my pic to the side, so clicked to follow again. I'm sorry!
Hi Erica, hope I'm not too late here. I'm not participating in this contest, but hey, I'm one of the Critique Sisters and I can't resist a chance to to critique! (besides, it saves me from reading through editor comments and fixing my own manuscript just yet!)
ReplyDeleteTwo things: the hair hitting her shoulders popped out as authorial attempt at character description, only because the mention doesn't flow naturally from the scene. Second, in the para that starts w/the mom saying "We've discussed this. . .", what about putting the sentence showing the mom's physical behavior first: She turned toward me . . etc. THEN "We've discussed this...", If you want to break up the other 4 dialogue sentences in the para, add another short descriptive sentence or phrase between a couple of them. I think it flows more visually that way, and doesn't fall into the dialogue trap of not breaking the dialogue up enough (one of my own peccadillos, sigh)
I'm with everyone else with the hair hitting the shoulders line. Really stood out to me which is a bad thing. I could feel the tension though, and completely understand her not wanting to move (I moved every 2-3 years right through my childhood, so believe me, I get it...) and I got a real sense of her distress. The only thing I'd like to have seen, is she mentions she had one last rational reason for staying. Let us know what it is!
ReplyDeleteI'd read on...
Great start and I like the voice. The hair sentence definitely needs revision because the whole thing is confusing. But I love the way you show us her distress. Nice work.
ReplyDeleteI think you need to keep writing keep writing!!!! You're awesome. Super awesome.
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to hear more~ ((hugs))
Oooh, very compelling! Love this line: I slammed the car door and rushed past the men putting pieces of my life into a big white truck.
ReplyDeleteReads like a movie scene!
Beyond the hair comment already noted, I can't offer any suggestions for improvement. :)
Love it. Good luck and thanks for sharing!