The posted sentences will get a YES or a NO along with a brief explanation as to WHY. Feel free to head over and critique the 50 entrants that got in (lottery-style).
Or you can just crit it in my comments:
FIRST SENTENCE
Happiness is so many things.
FIRST TWO SENTENCES
Happiness
is so many things.
It isn’t this.
FIRST PAGE (I've really never, ever rocked a beginning, so crit away or smile and keep your opinions to yourself, since this is a complete rough draft.)
Happiness
is so many things.
It isn’t this.
It isn’t blue skies with a backdrop
of bluffs.
It isn’t twittering birds flying
over this God-forsaken town.
It isn’t 600 kids of whom five-ish
know my name.
It isn’t a mom who cries in her
sleep, or having a boyfriend without kisses, or passing a chemistry exam when I
started the same course last semester
somewhere else.
Somewhere where blue skies
and robins
and friends meant I was happy.
A place where my mom was with my dad
and he was with me and we smiled and hugged.
A place that was
home.
The door slams when I rush into the
kitchen where Mom is at the stove. I
stop, confused. She doesn’t turn and for
three seconds I wonder who this woman is and what she did with my mother.
“What, what are you doing?” I ask.
She turns and smiles. She actually smiles. “Making spaghetti.”
When I don’t speak or move or
breathe because I am afraid of this moment, afraid maybe that if I move I will
smash it into kazillion teardrops, she says, “Doesn’t spaghetti sound
marvelous?”
It does. I can’t believe it but it does. I bring my backpack to the room I am using to
sleep in and do homework in and hurry back to the kitchen. I take out milk and find French bread on the
counter. I slice it up with a bread
knife that has never been used and spread butter and sprinkle garlic and find
parmesan cheese to grate. Mom hands me a
baking sheet, and she is
humming.
I am looking at her again and
examining her hair—did she cut it? Her
eyelashes are wearing mascara and it is not smudged black underneath her eyes.
I love it. I mean truly, deep down, love it, the whole passage. I agree that the first sentence has more punch with the second, but it leads up to it perfectly. I'm curious to see how the tenacious and often abrasive Miss Snark will respond to it.
ReplyDeleteI didn't make it into Miss Snark's First Sentence lottery either.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'd keep reading. It is a little vague and I'd read to find out what happiness is to the MC.
Thanks for commenting on my blog!
A fun peek into your WIP! How did you do with Miss Snark?
ReplyDeleteI hope all is well!
GREAT emotional hook. I have a strong story question, and significant empathy for the MC. Now where's the rest of your first chapter? *tapping impatient toe*
ReplyDeleteThank you for commenting on my WIP! My first line got 55 comments. At about 42 comments I counted up yesses vs. nos and I think I had 17 yesses. So, a little under 50% which was better than I expected.
ReplyDeleteIt was interesting to read all the critquers' comments. Each was subjective (obviously), such as some people said NO to first lines if it mentioned blood and they were squeamish. So, some critiqued for good writing and other critiqued as readers. Some gave advice that I didn't think was very accurate or helpful (Not just for me, but for everyone).
Miss Snark didn't critique and there was no prize, so it was purely for experience and feedback. :) Christy
Wow, those first two lines pack quite a punch! Well done! Based on this first page, I would keep reading. Not just saying that!
ReplyDelete