Miss Snark is hosting a first sentence critique today. Unfinished manuscripts were allowed. So even though nobody has ever read my WIP, and I'm only 15k in, I entered. I've never been good at beginnings, and I think my first sentence would be better with the second attached to it, or maybe the first page...we'll see what critters think. (I'm sure it is too vague, and lacks voice, but ah well. It is what it is!)
The posted sentences will get a YES or a NO along with a brief explanation as to WHY. Feel free to head over and critique the 50 entrants that got in (lottery-style).
Or you can just crit it in my comments:
FIRST SENTENCE
Happiness is so many things.
FIRST TWO SENTENCES
Happiness
is so many things.
It isn’t this.
FIRST PAGE (I've really never, ever rocked a beginning, so crit away or smile and keep your opinions to yourself, since this is a complete rough draft.)
Happiness
is so many things.
It isn’t this.
It isn’t blue skies with a backdrop
of bluffs.
It isn’t twittering birds flying
over this God-forsaken town.
It isn’t 600 kids of whom five-ish
know my name.
It isn’t a mom who cries in her
sleep, or having a boyfriend without kisses, or passing a chemistry exam when I
started the same course last semester
somewhere else.
Somewhere where blue skies
and robins
and friends meant I was happy.
A place where my mom was with my dad
and he was with me and we smiled and hugged.
A place that was
home.
The door slams when I rush into the
kitchen where Mom is at the stove. I
stop, confused. She doesn’t turn and for
three seconds I wonder who this woman is and what she did with my mother.
“What, what are you doing?” I ask.
She turns and smiles. She actually smiles. “Making spaghetti.”
When I don’t speak or move or
breathe because I am afraid of this moment, afraid maybe that if I move I will
smash it into kazillion teardrops, she says, “Doesn’t spaghetti sound
marvelous?”
It does. I can’t believe it but it does. I bring my backpack to the room I am using to
sleep in and do homework in and hurry back to the kitchen. I take out milk and find French bread on the
counter. I slice it up with a bread
knife that has never been used and spread butter and sprinkle garlic and find
parmesan cheese to grate. Mom hands me a
baking sheet, and she is
humming.
I am looking at her again and
examining her hair—did she cut it? Her
eyelashes are wearing mascara and it is not smudged black underneath her eyes.