my mistakes

The other day I posted some of the major no-nos (in this post) I've learned through reading line edits by my (uber super and wonderful and awesome and inspiring and brilliant) CP and through critiquing other people's writing (and my own).  I didn't finish.  I also thought it'd be nice to show you places in my ms where wordiness clunked up my sentences, slowed down action, and added to the word count in a way that wasn't necessary.

It amazed me how my CP could take my sentences, my paragraphs, my pages--my story and clear it of wordiness to make it say what it was supposed to say.  Without the garbage words, the pages became clean, sharp and to the point.  She made the voice of my characters, rather than the voice of a newbie writer, shine, stand out, obvious. 

(Note--I say newbie.  I don't know what that term means to you.  For me, it means I've actually passed through the brand new novice writer stage.  I'm a real writer now BECAUSE I'm no longer hung up on all the things I used to be hung up on.  When I write, I write.  I can actually critique writing now, including my own.  I know what to look for.  When I write, I can write better the first time around.  It will still need CPs and betas and revision and editing and WORK, but it's better than the process I went through with my very first ms.)

I can add more to this bullet point from the other day:

• Stick to BIG. ACTION. IMMEDIACY. (I DON'T mean shoot-em up, explosions and run from the bad guy kind of action. I mean active writing. Active actions.)

And this one:

• You can elimintate words. You can.

Because I did.  Here are a few examples from my manuscript.  (These are probably not the best examples.  I have so many places where I eliminated unnecessary words or needed to make my writing more active.  But I hope you get the idea.  Learn to recognize wordiness and passive writing in your manuscript and get rid of it!)

ORIGINAL:

“You heard already  that he went out with some woman, Kellie.”  She waited, but I did little other than hint at a nod, so she continued . 

CP REVISION:

“You heard that he went out with Kellie.”  I nodded slightly, so she continued.

---

ORIGINAL:

His lips widened into a full-blown smile and he turned it  toward me.
CP REVISION:
His lips widened into a full-blown smile and he turned toward me.

  
ORIGINAL:

            “You don’t know why you said horrid things?  Or you don’t know why I’ve been nice?”

            Looking at him confused my thoughts and feelings.  [O3] “Um.  I don’t know.  All of it. Any of it.  I guess you’re just a nice guy so I’m sure you’re nice to everyone.”  I continued to clutch my backpack, but one hand fretted with the hair on the side of my head. 

CP REVISION:
     “You don’t know why you said horrid things? Or you don’t know why I’ve been nice?”
      “Um. I don’t know. All of it. Any of it. I guess you’re just a nice guy so I’m sure you’re nice to everyone.” I continued to clutch my backpack, but one hand fretted with the hair on the side of my head.

---

 [O3]Let her words speak for her here.

 
ORIGINAL: My chest seemed to heave with each breath I took and my heart was beating so fast I could hardly hear him.

CP REVISON:  My chest heaved with each breath I took. My heart beat so hard I could barely hear him.

ORIGINAL:

I wondered what it would feel like had I the chance [O1] to brush them aside with my own hand.

 

---

 [O1]Skip and get right to the action.
 
CP REVISION:

I wondered what it would feel like to brush them aside with my own hand.

ORIGINAL:

I knelt in front of my locker and rummaged through the contents of the bottom shelf:  a leftover lunch bag, one of the novels from the book store, my running shoes, and a sweatshirt that had fallen off its hook, [O1] all of which  [O2] formed an ant hill of sorts within which I hoped tunneled an opening that held my cell phone[O3] .

---

 [O1]Don’t need it.

 [O2]delete

 [O3]I would simplify this a bit “where I hoped I would find my cellphone.”

CP REVISION:
I knelt in front of my locker and rummaged through the contents of the bottom shelf:  a leftover lunch bag, one of the novels from the book store, my running shoes, and a sweatshirt.  Somewhere in the mess I hoped to find my cell phone.

What are you waiting for?  Go!  Write!  Critique!  Revise!
~christy