If you're visiting today, I've posted the first page of my ms. Feel free to read it and critique it (help it to improve) before it tries to hook a teen!
FIXING SHELBY
YA Contemporary
52,000 words
Here's the first 249 words:
“Seriously, Shelby Honey, you could put on a little more make-up. You look pale.” Mom held the steering wheel with one hand and grabbed her purse with the other. She plopped the large leather bag on my lap. “I know I have several shades of blush in there. Help yourself.”
I glared at the purse for a moment before setting it at my feet. I’d rather be home cleaning the toilet bowl with my toothbrush or ripping out my fingernails than primping in the car on the way to a basketball game. “You didn’t have to drive me, Mom. You’ll be late.”
She glanced at the clock. “It’s only two minutes out of my way. Besides, it was nice of Ashleigh to call and invite you.”
I rolled my eyes. Yes, how nice of Ashleigh to call me at the last minute.
“You should be a little more grateful.”
Whatever. Ashleigh knew I wouldn’t want to go. She should have realized my mom would jump at the chance for me to be social. Of course, that would have required Ash to put more than one thought together at a time. A little too complicated for my “best” friend.
“I don’t know why you gave her such a hard time about going.”
I sighed and tapped my fingers on the door handle. “I don’t know, either, Mom.”
“You’ll have a blast, I’m sure.”
I agree with Jennifer. I actually remember reading this during another contest, and really liked it.
ReplyDeleteI feel like the conflict between the main character and her mother is very relatable.
I would read on.
Intiguing start. I'm curious about who Asleigh in. Great voice.
ReplyDeleteI didn't know about this blogfest, and yours is the first one I've seen. Good luck!
Nice beginning. You definitely set up the conflict and give a good feel for Shelby's personality.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if the mother's dialogue doesn't sound quite as natural as maybe it should?
What a great first page! I think I'm going to really like this main character of yours. I missed this blogfest in all the crazy fun of so many others going on. But I'll enjoy reading everyone else's entries!
ReplyDeleteWow, Christy,
ReplyDeleteThis has greatly improved since I laid my eyes on it months ago. I have one small question. ON the last line does the thought continue?
"Mom had gushed over Ashleigh for years, which always annoyed the heck out of me... "
Or something to that effect. It's just a suggestion. Otherwise it's terrific.
My blogfest is the same day as Brenda's, but I am doing it too. Busy weekend ahead.
Thanks, everyone! I'm able to recognize unnatural dialogue in others writing, but not always my own. I'll try reading it all aloud again.
ReplyDeleteMichael, it continues like this:
“Yeah.” I counted the houses that passed outside my window. Mom had gushed over Ashleigh for years. It wouldn’t matter if I told her the reasons I’d rather be home and bored than with The Terrible Trio.
Oh, did this bring back memories! Great voice and you've got the mother-daughter relationship down perfectly.
ReplyDeleteGreat feel of this piece. I get a glimpse of her relationship with mom and Ash. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteI LOVED this. I can hear the voice. Wonderful job and good luck with the contest! <3
ReplyDeleteWow - just that little piece gets so much across about this girl's relationships. And I gotta say...I totally relate.
ReplyDeleteripping out her fingernails? Wow, she must really hate makeup. I wonder if she's this hateful to her "best" friends face? I'd be curious to know. I do like your voice and I thought the dialogue was good.
ReplyDeleteThnx for visiting my blog as well, I turned my comments on my WIP page ~ oh and I completely chaned my 1st 250. :o)
That's a great first page! I'm not a teen anymore, but it definitely had me hooked. :)
ReplyDeleteHey! This is great! I love the dialogue here, and wow. Ashleigh is not great--LOL! Good stuff~ :D
ReplyDelete